My mind stopped for a second as my father stepped into the clearing. It took a moment before I realized that it wasn't my father standing there with the grey hair and the cane. It had only been 6 months since I saw him last, it couldn't be. Waves of relief mingled with worry and sadness. My brother, my twin, the one person who had shared everything for so long. The resemblance to my father was disturbing. Evangeline's words came back to me, "they had to give part of their selves to the city spirit." He had obviously done that.

Hopefully, he hasn't become our father. I know he's struggled to change what he was made to be. His arms felt real and loving as I hugged him. He still sounded like him as I touched my forehead to his and whispered to him.

"I see you have a boyfriend." This would prove interesting.

I was still mad at him as I pulled him to sit with me, mad because it had been too long. Mad because I wasn't as important that I wanted to be to him. I happily watched as he played big brother over Jacob. I secretly hoped he would give him a very hard time about dating me. I egged him on a bit, and was amused when they went off to the Black Tower meeting.
My Jacob, my William.

This night I would let go of one of my guys, and hold tighter to another.

The sunlight fell across his face as her eyes opened taking in the scene in front of her. He was still alive. She'd woken up several times that night and this time decided that she just needed to get out of bed. As she sat up he stirred a bit, but stayed asleep and she looked down at the side of his bed, chinese food cartons strewn across the floor. Lo mein poured out and the sweet and sour sauce was going to leave a stain. She moved to climb out of the bed and his arm was around her pulling her close. She let him and and felt the warm press of his body. She had to end this soon, end this before he got hurt. End this before he hurt her. He would hurt her, they usually let her down. Even Argent, who didn't do it on purpose, was too busy for her, too busy to see her, and in danger so she worried. She broke her own rules, this couldn't end well.

She closed her eyes and his warm breath landed on the scar...

His teeth sank into her flesh and the tears filled her eyes. The pain burned through her, and she tried to shut it down but knew as she clung to him, pulling him against he, that she needed this, needed this pain to help scourge the demons. Small whimpers escaped her lips as she bit her lip to keep from screaming out. The coppery taste of blood filled her mouth just as she felt the warm stickiness of her own blood on her shoulder. It was what he had wanted and when she had met his eyes she couldn't deny it to him. Her vanity screamed as she felt him and his magic, healing it to a perfect scar, the scar tissue tightening on her shoulder, pressing inward. She wanted to tell him she'd changed her mind to shove him off of her. She could simply tell him to heal it, but instead she was letting him disturb her beautiful skin. There was no mistaking it, she could feel it and it was there and he was part of her. More than she was ever willing to do for herself, for anyone.

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between


After all the pain he'd caused, what hurt her the most was when he asked if she wanted to mark him. . . and she realized her answer was no. She wanted him to give her reason to believe this was permanent but she was terrified to let him.

She woke up sitting up, in a cold sweat in the dark room. His hand was on her shoulder already, holding her. She wasn't sure if she had screamed but she was shaking slightly. Her hand immediately moved to her stomach for a few moments, testing reality. It was flat as always, and he pulled her down into the bed, and held her close and hummed softly. Her eyes closed slowly, there had been no words spoken between them since she'd walked out of her house. The room was dark enough that she could only see his outline and feel his warm skin.

Behind her eyes the images came back. Her mind remembered the dream vividly. She stood there his hand on her stomach. She knew she was pregnant though it wasn't obvious. There had been an empty bassinet, and an empty room. She had resented the thing growing inside of her. He was angry. He hated her. She had turned her back on him and he was there again in front of her, wearing shackles, cursing her for holding him back. She knew without saying it, that she was about to get rid of this baby. That it wasn't something she wanted, but it was something he wanted. "Please I love her," he pleaded. She'd run and run because for some reason in the dream this seemed like a way to get away from being pregnant. She would be an awful mother. The last thing she remembered from before her eyes opened was his voice saying "Emily".

She moved in closer to him, trying to wipe the thoughts from her mind, and her hand brushed her stomach again and she shivered. God help me, no babies.

Two tattoos, one on each shoulder and a scar on her neck. On her left shoulder her first tattoo, the gemini sign. At the time she didn't realize how much it would mean. Twins. The second, for him, a yin yang. He always said they were like opposite sides of the same coin. The number 666 scarred into her neck, a reminder of pandemonium, of her change. Resentment for the same society the same awakening she had wanted and enjoyed. A new tattoo, she had asked him to design it, and now she brought up the other thing she'd wanted.

'So, I think instead of having a tattoo artist do my new one, I want you to." She kissed his neck, waiting. "Me?" She heard the surprise and the hesitation in his voice. "You said you could, do you not want to?" She had asked him if life magic could create tattoos before.
"I just worry I'll mess it up."
"I trust you." She wanted him to be the one to mark her, since it was he who had marked her heart. They discussed how to design it, and she leaned against him.

"Argent still doesn't know about you." With him near her, she'd not had to worry about him and her extra thoughts had been consumed by her brother. She started to let her guard slip. She snapped at him, undeservedly and felt guilty immediately. But, he did what he always did, he understood. Long suffering, she remember someone calling it.

I could hear you
You were there
I could see you
You were there
I, I'm gonna wait

He leaned his head against hers. "Hun, just listen to my thoughts." She hesitated but he was sure. So she reached out and listened. Her eyes closed and his mind spoke to her of love, warmth, trust, desire, and longing, and a near silent question - can I be your other half? She blinked and her eyes watered. She fought back the tears.

I just want you to know
I want you to know
All that I have is
All that I forgot to say

She couldn't contain her surprise as she realized, what she'd denied to even herself. Her eyes were wet as she realized he wanted that place in her heart. He wanted her to love him without the reservations, without the worry, he wanted her to truly trust him. She couldn't help it and her tears began to fall. Her brother was her other half. She didn't know if she could trust them both at the same time and yet at no time in her life had she wanted to love someone the way she wanted this. But, it scared her, terrified her, made her want to run. She stuttered, "I...I...didn't realize. He's not you." The tears were warm on her cheeks as she remembered being four years old looking down at Argent from the tree, one of the few times she was truly happy. Then, the moment she had seen him in her living room, whole, and healthy and hers. Trying to show him that she loved him. I love you. I love you too with all that I am. In all things I am with you as i know you are with me. Always. With that word, she pulled him to her and then broke the connection. It was too raw, too unprotected, too much.

"I'm sorry, I need to go for a walk. Please understand?"
"I do."

She felt his eyes on her all the way to the door. She needed to run, to run hard.
He loves me. But, am I ready for what he's offering...it was time to stop playing.

He showed up all wet
On the rainy front step
Wearing shrapnel in his skin

I was in my room writing emails to clients, checking my bank balance, trying to do normal things. Then a noise, the doorknob, the door, the light rustle of a bag. My breath caught for a moment. It's too soon to expect him. A phone call, that's all I expected before he collapsed into his bed and then took care of his city. I realized I wasn't breathing, realized I wasn't moving. My feet felt slow and heavy as I moved into the living room and then there he was. He was as amazing as I remembered, despite the exhaustion on his face. Next thing I knew, I crossed the room and was in his arms. He felt so real so solid. His tears were warm as he clung to me.

And the war he saw
Lives inside him still

We collapsed into the bed and I slept better than I had in weeks. He never let go, not once during the twelve hours. I stayed up parts of that night watching him sleep. Amazed that he was mine, amazed that I hadn't run away and neither had I.

His voice had been solid, serious, 'Now don't freak out this isn't a proposal. But this is a promise that no matter what happens I will always come home to you." The ring was beautiful, and I wished that the ring could hold that promise true. He was serious, he still believed he'd always come home to me. I held my hands out, and he put the ring on my right hand.

He stayed, he's still here. The moon is beautiful tonight. He's sleeping again. So perfect, so accepting. Existence is War, it's hard to believe this man who loves me is an Arrow, a fighter, possibly a killer if needed. At the same time, he's fought for me, hasn't he? A white knight breaking down walls, waiting patiently for my guard to drop. The moonlight falls on his face. I should end this now. But, I can't, he's part of me now. I look down at the ring, still on my hand. God help me. So, instead I climb back into bed and he curls up around me.

So open up your morning light
And say a little prayer for right

The waiter was hot, but then I knew that, I'd had lunch here more than once, flirting and teasing him. I knew enough to know he was old enough, and a drummer in a band, had a tattoo on his arm, and another he said he wasn't allowed to show off at work. I leaned in and put a hand on his when he left the check this time and that seemed to be exactly what he needed, "Want to go out sometime?"

I smiled brightly and asked if he was sure that's what he wanted. He replied in that soft steel voice "Yeah I get off in 15 minutes".
"I'll be waiting outside."

He smiled as I walked away.

The air was a warm as I stepped outside. That's when it hit me. What the hell was I doing. I might as well have had two angels on my shoulder while my natures went to war with each other. On one hand, I wasn't made for commitment I knew this, and Jacob would forgive me anyways. On the other, he'd never truly forgive me, and would I forgive myself after asking him to be mine. How would I feel if it were him standing here waiting on a random hookup for the night. How the hell did today end in this, I thought, as I walked to my car before my admirer even had time to get off work. I sighed loudly as I opened the door and slid inside. This was not how today was supposed to go. I told him it was bad for my bed to be empty. I flashed through the day and pulled my phone out sitting in the privacy of my car, and sent him a text. Visiting him was a good idea. . . before I did something stupid.


I'm going to see him tomorrow. That thought had kept me awake most of the night, finally falling asleep just a few short hours before dawn. My body tense, needing him, needing what only he could provide right now. My bed was empty, which wasn't good.

You are not alone tonight
Imagine me there by your side
It's so hard to be here so far away from you
I'm counting the days till
I'm finally done

The next morning I made the call I knew would get me a lift to Austin. I would never know how to thank my mentor, other than to make him proud, which hopefully I was still doing. He dropped me off and I made my way to a car rental place. Smiling as the guy behind the counter took me in. I leaned forward as he told me my choices. I said just the right things, put a hand on his arm and he simply upgraded my reservation. The keys clinked in my hand as I promised to see him Tuesday. "Thank you Ms. Arwen." I smiled at him again, "Call me Sorcha." I slipped behind the wheel and pulled out my phone and dialed. Keegan smiled at me from the desk as he watched me. He was cute in a geeky kind of way. I grinned knowing I could simply walk back in there and tell him to meet me at my hotel and he would. He'd be like putty in my hands. They always were.

I frowned when the voicemail picked up. Maybe he was asleep, so I left a message. "Hi love, I'm in town, coming to see you, I bet you're still asleep so I'm on my way over to your place, see you soon." I tucked the phone away and pulled out of the lot. I was actually getting to know my way around Austin, but the gps was still a nice helpful touch. I pulled into a spot outside his apartment and walked inside. As I passed a few of his neighbors I smiled, aware of them staring at my ass and chest, of the whispers to each other which I didn't need to hear to know what was being said. If only they knew.

I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one
It feels like forever till I return to you
But it helps me on those lonely nights
It's that one thing that keeps me alive

I knocked lightly at his door, before slipping my key in the lock and letting myself in. He was laying in bed asleep, it was still early and I slipped my sandals off quietly and slipped into bed beside him. He stirred as I neared and slipped a sleepy arm around me pulling me close. In that minute, I remembered why I'd asked him for this, why I'd chosen this. I knew without having to ask that his bed had been empty while I wasn't there. This was easy for him. I kissed him softly laying there, feeling guilty. It wasn't easy for me, in a way he wouldn't understand, though he tried.

Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and
It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

He was always mine, even before I accepted it. I didn't even understand it. I rolled onto my side feeling him against my back, his breathing even and slow.

I felt his mouth on my neck and his soft voice in my ear "well hello sexy", as a hand slid across my hip and pulled me close. I smiled sleepily and nuzzled into him turning in his arms so I faced him. His lips were soft but hungry as they pressed against mine. His body fitted itself against mine and I moaned softly as his hand found my breast. Soon my shirt was off and his mouth was there on my nipple, sucking gently, my hand in his hair. I shivered. God I loved when he did that with his fingers.


What I'd give
What I'd do
Knowing I'm not there for you
Makes it so hard to leave
What I'd give
What I'd do
Anything to get me home to you
And this time I'll stay

Staying for a few days, getting my fix. Enough that I won't hurt him, a reminder, that I can change, that I want to change. Some days that was the hardest part; remembering I wanted to change.

Working on one post, but need some inspiration. Pick a topic or a song and I'll write a post about it for Valentine/Sorcha.

8:45 she stared at the clock. He should have been here by 8:30. This was his fucking idea. A date? seriously. Dinner and a movie and all that teenage crap. He'd never not been there when he said he would. Maybe he'd finally figured out what he'd gotten into and what a bad idea it was. Why hadn't she?

She paced the living room, and finally grabbed a glass of wine at 8:40. It wasn't a problem, she'd watch a movie and relax. Have a night like she normally would have, back to normal. The previews hadn't even finished before she found herself dialing her phone. His voice was well...his voice. She tried to play it cool. He'd ended up in Austin, he was needed, Sojourner was there, he's already called Vit (why did that bother her so much that he called her first). She tried to sound casual and told him to call her later and let her know he was okay. His story was a bit much, but she figured it didn't matter why, he still wasn't there. She hung up after telling him "no dying". The phrase she always used with her brother.

The light from the laptop splashed across her face as she booted it up in the dark bedroom. She was wearing pajamas and hadn't bothered to turn on any lights. The half empty bottle of merlot sat on the bedside table. She quickly sent the email to her brother, hoping he'd respond. Both of them not here, not with her. No control over either of them and yet she couldn't take back the pieces of her they had. Her brother would understand her instinct to run, her disbelief at herself, why this was so bad.

Closing the laptop she climbed into bed and drifted into a fitful sleep helped only by the wine. She woke up cell phone in her hand, not knowing when she'd picked it up off the bedside table. She'd been dreaming. Raphael was there, and Argent, and him. All looking at her, judging her, and she had run, run away and said she was sorry. Just then the phone lit up and the sounds of Cruel to be kind filled the room. She waited a second, looking at his picture on her phone. He didn't know she'd taken it, sneaking while he laid sleeping in her bed. She smiled despite herself. "Hey Babe."

( Say my name and I can't fight it any more Oh I know, I should go )

His voice came on the line. I realized it was real, and I couldn't believe myself.

Keep your head here on my shoulder. Let's just lay here for awhile.

Fifteen minutes later he was at my door. Talking, touching. Being him.
Eyes closed and something brushes my lips. Not skin, not cloth, but something soft, and fragrant. I would swear it smells like roses....

Can you turn my black roses red?

I open my eyes and find a black rose blooming red, alive and warm in my hand, opening as I stare wide eyed. His eyes are still closed, his head rests on the couch still. So, peaceful.
"Jacob?"
"Yes?"
My voice trails off "it's...thank you"
"Always Sorcha"

Love was a word I used to get lucky. Back When I knew it all.

Kissing, his arms around me, pulling at his clothes. Feeling him inside me, fitted, matched, rhythms matching, breathing him in, feeling his heartbeat. Rose in my hair, warm skin pressed against me. Calling out his name at that last wonderful moment, hearing him whisper mine.

Let me be the one who sets your feet up on a road where you've never been,
oh and baby then, you can let me take these arms and wrap you up inside a night that will never end.
I wanna be that man, if you let me. Come on baby let me.

I pull him close and before I can stop myself I say it. Thankfully he didn't hear me, but he knows I said something. He asks and I respond that it is nothing. He pouts at me cutely and says "come on, please?" My eyes close and my voice is barely a whisper barely audible and even I can't believe it's me I'm hearing. "I love you."

I feel his breath against my ear, "I love you too, Sorcha, and if you let me I'll always turn your black roses red."

Keep your head there on my shoulder.
Let's just lay here for awhile.
We can hurry when were older.
Girl don't worry about tomorrow.
That just seems so far away.
Luckily me and you, all that we have to do is follow,
just follow.

Let me be the one who sets your feet up on a road where you've never been,
oh and baby then,
you can let me take these arms and wrap you up inside a night that will never end.
I wanna be that man, if you let me.
Come on baby let me.

Baby leave those candles burning,
slide on over here to me.
If you run with me girl, you know we'll make this world stop turning,
just stop turning.

Needed some time away again. Trying to sort some things. Not wanting to run away made me know I needed to run away. But while I was gone, I kept wondering. Not just about general stuff, but about specific things. I sent him the CD, and I haven't talked to him since. Wonder what he looked like when he got it, and if he figured out who it was from. Scrying on mages is bad. Stopped myself from calling as well. Playing it now. Listening to my copy, had it tucked away in my suitcase. I had so many voicemails. I deleted most of them however. Kept the one from him, though; it was simple but haven't returned the call yet.


From in the shadow
She calls
And in the shadow
She finds a way
And in the shadow
She crawls

Haven't dialed yet, not sure if I should. Would be good to talk to him, hang out. Plus, there's that thing I need to talk to him about. He'll need time to get to a jewelry store and pick out the right thing. I can't believe I missed him of all people. But, time to get back to the real world. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let the morning light come in and let the darkness fade away